Setting the Table of Emotional Intimacy

How do I Get My Partner to Open Up to Me?

At the heart of this question lies two realities. The first is the desire for intimacy and feeling of distance from our partners. We enter relationships, whether dating or marriage, with high hopes. Hopes of crying with our partners about pain only expressed to a few, such as abuse or an emotionally distant parent. Hopes of laughing with them regarding embarrassing moments buried in the cemetery their shame, such as their zipper being down during a graduation speech or the weird places they used the bathroom. Hopes of encouraging them to pursue their dreams of owning a business or pursuing a career they never felt smart enough to reach.

However, while these dreams seem promising in the beginning they often die of hypothermia within the antarctic emotional distance of a partner unwilling to open up to us. But what if we are asking the wrong question? Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon insightfully warns us that, "Whenever we ask, 'How can I get you to...,' we are subtly seeking control over another person." Allow me to remind us all of that famous saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink." In other words, we can only setup the candlelight dinner and hope they join us.

Therefore, we are asking the wrong question. A better question Dr. Solomon suggests is, "What is keeping my partner from opening up?" But before we detail some of the most common constraints to emotional vulnerability, let's define intimacy to get a better sense of what we mean by opening up, what we hope to experience, and some insights about what could be "unsetting the table" for intimacy.

"Whenever we ask "How can I get you to...," we are subtly seeking control over another person."

What is Intimacy?

Several definitions float around popular and clincial discussions around intimacy, but it is important to differentiate emotional intimacy from physical or spiritual intimacy. Family therapy researchers Lyman & Adele Wynne define it as, "a relational experience that is characterized by mutual exchange and an ambiance of proximity and engagement between two persons." Whew. That's a mouthful huh? Technical though the language may be, it summarizes the key components of what we feel missing when our partners don't open up and exactly what we're seeking. Let's break it down a bit. Seeking disclosure from our partners speaks to the mutual exchange aspect of emotional intimacy. This exchange or sharing creates an experience which constructs an atmosphere of closeness and interaction.

The Brighton Therapy Partnership in the UK provides another definition helpful to our discussion: "Intimacy is a quality of a safe relationship in which we feel heard, held, considered, respected and accepted – one in which differences can be tolerated and

conflict does not destroy." The Brits do a great job here of making intimacy plain. Notice that intimacy is a quality of a safe relationship. True intimacy indicates, like a green light on a water purifier, that the relationship is safe. Intimacy causes the person experiencing it to feel like they were listened to, supported, included, valued and accepted. Intimacy survives the cyclones of conflict and thrives in a climate of tolerance. With these ideas in mind, we can already identify some potential blockers to our partners opening up and ways we can set a more inviting table for them to join us.

Intimacy Inhibitors

The most straight forward way to identify intimacy inhibitors is to simply ask our partners directly what might be keeping them from opening up. Yet some of us are thinking, "You don't know my husband/wife...!" Totally understandable. So let's quickly survey common constraints to intimacy and then a step by step process to inviting our partners into emotionally vulnerable conversations.

• Culture. This could be how our partners' ethnic background and/or national culture taught them that vulnerability=weakness. Thus, what may feel superficial to us feels oceanic deep to them. Not an excuse but helpful contextually.

• Home. Some of our partners were raised in families that didn't "do feelings," and thus the vulnerability muscle was never exercised.

• Painful Memories. Some of our partners have had moments in the past of vulnerability but it was either dismissed, used against them, or even rejected as false altogether.

Setting the Table for Emotional Intimacy

Dr. Solomon outlines 5 evidence-based steps we can use to invite our partners into an emotionally vulnerable conversation. To help visualize each step, let's assume a theoretical scenario between Kyle and Bethany as they navigate differing viewpoints on how to discipline their kids.

• Ask. Begin by asking, "When would you be available to your complete attention to a conversation with me?" If, in fact, vulnerability feels out of control for him/her, by choosing a time for the conversation can help them feel so level of control.

• Example: After sending off the kids to school, Bethany asks Kyle, "Would you be open to revisiting the conversation we began yesterday about the kids? I'd like to make sure we're both in the right headspace before we jump back into that."

• Set the Scene. Next, consider the environments that usually promote closeness and ease for the both of you. Think about the time of day? The room in your home? A place outside of your home?

• Example: Kyle lets Bethany know that he isn't in the right place mentally these next two days with deadlines at work, but suggests they take a walk on Sunday afternoon around the neighborhood to work through it while the kids are at his parents' place.

• Keep it Short & Sweet. Ensure that when the discussion happens that it's brief and connecting in nature. This is much more preferable to a drawn out talk that usually goes way off the subject and leaves you and your partner jaded and hesitant to be vulnerable again. Build upon small victories.

• Example: Kyle & Bethany spend the first 20 minutes of their neighborhood walk discussing the issue, recognizing that they're not gonna resolve everything in one attempt. They acknowledge some progress, commit to continuing the conversation soon but then spend the rest of the stroll planning their next date night and sharing funny stories from work.

• Celebrate Progress not Perfection. Express gratitude and affirm even the tiniest bit of vulnerability. What we celebrate, we often get more of something in a relationship. It may not be perfect, but it's progress.

• Example: When Kyle opened up about how his views of discipline were shaped by the severity of his father's punishments, Bethany thanked Kyle for sharing and empathized with him about how hard that must have been.

• Bring in an Outside Source. Vulnerable conversations can sometimes be easier when you are talking in response to something one of you have seen, heard, or read. By bringing in an outside source, it shifts the discussion from being between the two of you to the two of you exploring an idea together. Fosters collaboration and less pressure.

• Example: Kyle sat in on a seminar given at a work retreat by one of his bosses on fatherhood as a professional. Several points resonated with him and he quickly jotted them down and brought them up to Bethany to have a conversation. Their engagement was rich and personal as they shared how the points hit them differently and their take aways from them.

Emotional intimacy is never easy, but it is a skill that can be developed within any relationship with patience and care. Improving communication dynamics is class no married couple ever graduates from, we just face more challenging exams. But the greater challenges only generate a deeper intimacy.